you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
