Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
