he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
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So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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