My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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