New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
