so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just google imaged poop.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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