All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
