Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
