The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't turn off my feet"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
