Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
so much tequila, so little girl.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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