Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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