have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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