if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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