I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
