If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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