"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
