I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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