you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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