I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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