you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
