I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
