NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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