Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
