I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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