All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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