I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
