Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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