i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Four minutes until I can fart!
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
