dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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