He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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