I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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