Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
