someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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