Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
