Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
