Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
