I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
