i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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