I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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