Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
