I wish I could teleport
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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