i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
