On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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