I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
