I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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