No more Irish car bombs ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
