This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
