i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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