Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
