my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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