Duck Duck Cougar?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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