just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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