ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
