yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
